The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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