apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So much rum. So many feels.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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