you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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