can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
