yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
