i permit you to call me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
