I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So here I am, sexting at work.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
