Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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