I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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