remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
