btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
