The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
