We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
