I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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