I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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