happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my sisters under your porch take her home
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
