If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
