some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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