u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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