so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My life is pants optional.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
