Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
