Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
