So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
