if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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