I'm lost and stupid without you.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
