...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You are the jesus of drinking
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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