Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
