I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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