I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
