I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
