I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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