I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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