Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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