I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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