If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
