and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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