First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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