when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We need to rekindle our bromance
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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