How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
