I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
