dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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