From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
In America we eat man semen.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
