Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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