haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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