When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
