I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize