what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
