Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
