awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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