Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
