Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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