I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
