So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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