Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
