i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
