I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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