I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Randomize
