you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
