I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
