you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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