If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
