NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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