Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
