"it" just moved
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Houston, we have a blender
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
