Welp...herpes.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
