For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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